I PREG!!!

("I PREG!!!" reference from this amazing post: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/16528378462/tease-reveal-preg-edition)

On Saturday, my husband and I drove up to see our brand new baby nephew, and it was just as wonderful and easy as I thought it would be. We both got to hold him and snuggle with him and look at his teeny tiny feet and itty bitty fingernails. And then later on that night, we drove over to bring some extra supplies to the new mom and dad, and I got to have a really nice one-on-one chat with my brother. He said that he knew this might be a little rough on me, but that he was so happy that we could be there to love on our nephew (and his older sister!) and that he knew we would be wonderful parents ourselves whenever it happens. I told him that visiting them had made me realize how much I already was at peace with everything that's happened, and that I knew our baby would get here one way or the other, and that I finally was really, really okay with being patient until that happened.  We gave each other a great big bear hug, and then my husband and I took off to head home.

On the way, we stopped by the store and I saw early result pregnancy tests on sale. I had been planning on waiting for a missed period to test, but I tossed a pack in my cart anyway. I really was at peace with everything, and ready to face the answer on the pee stick.

We got home, and I took it and placed it on the counter to wait for the results. I started reading one of my mom's magazines and got so engrossed in one of the articles, I actually forgot to check the stick. But when I did, there were two clear, beautiful lines.

My husband was waiting in our bedroom. He gave me a thumbs up with a questioning look. I nodded, grinning. "Ahh, I knew it!" he said, wrapping me up in a great big hug.

So, for now, I preg. I hope this is our rainbow baby, but I'm trying not to get too attached until our first ultrasound in three weeks. I know from experience there are a million ways this could go south, but... I actually feel really optimistic. I've been having a little bit of cramping today, and I know it's totally normal but it scares me anyway. But hopefully the storm has passed, and our rainbow is on its way.

In some ways, it feels like there's a lot riding on this cycle. It's my last chance to be pregnant on my miscarried pregnancy's due date. It's our last natural cycle before moving onto Femara and monitoring. And if we actually conceived this month, my due date will be my best friend's birthday. Seeing those two lines next week would just be a huge sigh of relief in so many ways. But I'm strangely calm this week, and I'm not sure whether it's the careful attention I've been paying to my health, an answered prayer for peace and tranquility, or just a sign of absolute surrender. One can only grieve at a fever pitch for so long, I suppose. It's like a baby crying - eventually they tire themselves out and just relax into sleep.

My nephew is scheduled to arrive on Friday - his mom had a c-section with my niece, so they've planned a second c-section for this little guy. My husband and I are driving up to see them the day after he's born. I have to say, I have dreaded this day for so long. I felt like -how am I supposed to see and hold and love this baby, knowing that - had things been different - I would have been enormously pregnant right now with his would-be cousin? How do I congratulate my brother and sister in law when I'm just seething with jealousy? And how am I ever going to be able to put on a happy face for this whole thing?

But now that he's almost here, I honestly don't feel anything but joy. My tiny, lovely nephew is a completely different baby than the one that I lost. He's not a symbol of everything I don't have, or everything that might have been - he's just a baby. And I really can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to be his auntie and give him snuggles and kisses and spoil him rotten. I'm so excited and happy that, just like with his adorable and sweet older sister, I'm going to have the privilege of being his aunt. It's going to be awesome, I just know it.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about what I want to do to mark my would-have-been due date on August 1st. I know I definitely want to write a letter to the son that we're missing, but I'm also feeling a need to have some sort of ritual. I could go to church and say a rosary... spend some time in the botanic gardens... go to the beach and dip myself in the ocean and contemplate the infinite. None of that stuff really feels right, though. So I'm hoping it will come to me. Until it does, I'm just so grateful for this newfound sense of peace. I hope it lasts for a very long time.

A few nights ago, I had a really vivid dream that I was asked to read an essay I'd written about my miscarriage to a convention of mothers. As I was walking into the convention hall, a volunteer stopped me and asked me how many children I had. "Oh, none," I said, "I'm not a mother, I'm just here to read this story about my miscarriage." "Honey," she replied, "you might not have any living children, but you're still a mother. You belong here just as much as any of the other mothers do." Then, when it was time for me to go on stage and read my story, I couldn't find it - but my husband showed up, and a bunch of my friends, and they were all telling me to just go up there and wing it. "Just speak from your heart," one said, "and trust your instincts. You'll know what to do. The words will come."

Today is cycle day 20 and I just got my first ever completely positive OPK this morning. I'm a little worried that I seem to be ovulating later and later every cycle, but this will be our last natural cycle before moving on to Femara anyway, so I'm not stressing about it too much.

I'm also really enjoying my new health kick! I don't know whether I've lost any weight yet, but I definitely feel good. Nourished, peaceful... open.  

The appointment with the fertility doctor went really well - I liked him a lot, actually. He seems pretty willing to be as aggressive or as relaxed as we want... With the caveat that I need to lose thirty pounds before he brings out the big guns. To that end, he referred me to the center's nutritionist, who I called to set up a consultation and then found out that she charges $395 for the first visit. Three hundred and ninety five American dollars. Yeesh. If I visit her, I'll definitely be losing weight... Because I won't be able to afford food.

But, you know, everything seems like it's going okay. I'll be starting a monitored Femara cycle next month, and hopefully along with whatever weight loss I can muster up, our rainbow baby will be on the way before we know it.