I like giving up. There's a particular sort of pleasure in just saying "fuck it." It's the perfect defense mechanism - "I'm not getting pregnant? Fine! I don't care! I don't even want to be pregnant anymore! How do you like them apples, universe?" Giving up on something difficult feels good - it's the chocolate chip cookie at the end of three weeks of salads and grilled chicken, the lazy evening on the couch when you're supposed to be at the gym. I mean, in the long run it definitely sucks, but that first swooning moment when you just throw up your hands and say I don't want to do this anymore, it's too hard is kind of delicious.

Which is probably why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I'm nine days post-ovulation and I'm pretty sure this cycle was another failure. Today also happened to be a follow-up visit with the doctor who performed my d&c. When we made this appointment, I remember thinking, "Four months? Oh, I'll probably be pregnant again by then!" No dice, of course.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and worried about how much more I can take. It's this awful cycle of anxiety and stress about whether we're getting down enough in the fertile window, followed by two weeks of anxiety about the results of the cycle, followed by a couple of days of heartbreak as the parade of negative tests begins. This month has been a little bit better, but when the anxiety comes surging back, it still hits hard. And it's all caught up in the grief, too. Having to watch the glowing women with the huge bellies in the waiting room this morning just killed me. I should be all gigantic and uncomfortable right now, too!

I just want to stop feeling so awful all the time, and I wonder if throwing in the towel here would do the trick. I know it hasn't been that long, but the level of anger and resentment I'm feeling on an incredibly frequent basis just can't be healthy. On the other hand, isn't it way too early to give up? Lots of people take a while to get pregnant, especially at my age - maybe our baby is just around the corner?

Oy.